i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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