so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
FUCK WHALES
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