I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
