I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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