dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
