I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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