You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
