Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
