I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Go christen that room with your naked body.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
