after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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