We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
