my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
