hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
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