how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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