i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
