youre lurking in front of me
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
