matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
