I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
My breasts were aching with rage.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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