Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
