okay pat passed out under dana's car
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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