Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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