just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
