I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
