So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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