he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
