My girlfriend figured out who you are.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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