Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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