I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
