It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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