You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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