So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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