Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
someone owes me an orgasm
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
