I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
