I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
