I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
