My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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