I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
She announced her abortion via fbk
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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