I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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