she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
