he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
