dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I miss vodka workout Fridays
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
