Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
