then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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