The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
