if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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