First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I have fence marks all over my body
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
