how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We just shotgunned beers for America
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
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