Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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