I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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