Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
