just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
